Women Who Won't Commit

What to do about women who won't commit...

Dear WWWFM,

So I have been dating this girl 7 months or so. I know it's not a long time but I am truly in love with her. Things started getting a little sketchy after 5 months. She said I was not close enough with her family and I did not talk enough with her friends when we went out. That is basically the reason I got that she wanted out. When we broke it off she said she wanted to still be friends. I said no, that I couldn't just turn around and be friends.

So is there any HOPE? She still came over once in a while for 2 months and we were intimate which made me feel like she still cared. Then she took all her stuff back and said we should move on. Of course the night she came over to take her stuff again we were intimate. What is she doing to me? We spoke the day after that night she took her stuff which was brutal for me. I did not sleep that night. We spoke each day for 3 days. I wrote her a long love letter hoping she would have a change of heart and after she read it she called me. She said it was beautiful but that she did not feel the same as she did about us at least not right now. SO, should I stay around, talk to her and be friendly or should I just let it go? Or do I call her and keep in touch?

Dear Steven,

Break-ups are a bitch. That's it in a nutshell. She broke up with you and to then sleep with you and continue calling you is not fair. It's like she's slowly pulling the splinter out and prolonging the pain instead of yanking it in one clean motion.

You poured out your heart in a letter and she told you she does not feel the same anymore so take her at her word. Sleeping with you and calling you is just sloppy and cruel. Don't return her calls and don't invite her in anymore. She made her decision and she has to live with it. Either she is your girlfriend and she sleeps with you or she isn't and she is no longer welcome in your bed. Don't be wishy washy here. Being "friends" isn't going to work. It's too painful for you.

I'm sorry she is playing with your heart like this. If you can just hold out, give yourself some time to get over her and get busy with your own life, eventually you'll find someone who is ready to settle down with you.

Dear WWWFM,

I've been friends with this girl for a little over three years. We tried dating when we first met, lasted a few weeks, then it just ended one day. Which was fine, no big deal. Afterwards we became really good friends, emailing all the time, and going out to lunch at least once a week.

Last year she told me she was "very attracted to me." So I tried to hang out with her, but nothing ever happened. So about 2 months ago, I told her I never stopped having feelings for her. So we tried to date again. Everything was going good. She told me she thought us being such good friends gave us a good foundation for a relationship and that it could be good. She had just moved to a new town about 90 miles from home, for the first time in her life. (she's 29)

I went down and took her to dinner, and she had a bad day at work, and was in a bad mood. She hates the job she took and just wants to go back home. Needless to say we didn't have a good time at dinner because of this. The next day she tells me she wants to go back to being friends because she can't do this right now, she is having a hard time adjusting and can't give me what I want.

I guess it's hard to imagine saying how great it was only two days before she wants to go back to being friends. I don't know if it's just her situation and what's she's going through or what. Should I just give up on her? I've dated my fair share of girls, but there is something about her I can't get off my mind. I absolutely love being around her, and I always have her laughing and having a good time.

I am torn between being there as a friend and trying to be the prince charming she deserves. I just don't know what to do. All I truly want is for her to be happy whether it's with me or not. What should I do? Bail and just be her friend, or slowly pursue her?

Dear Matt,

She is not ready for a relationship, plain and simple. Whether you want to continue to pursue her under these circumstances is up to you, but my guess is it will be an exercise in frustration. Give her some space. Actually, give her a lot of space. And if it's not too painful for you, staying friends is probably fine, as long as you aren't secretly in love with her. By staying friends, I just mean keeping in touch via email, phoning once in a while, and an occasional get-together. But that's it. No physical intimacy, no kissing. But if it hurts to see her, then you have to break it off completely. You don't want to hold yourself back by loving someone who doesn't love you in return.

She doesn't know what she wants right now and her rejecting you has nothing to do with you. Your question is a fairly common one i.e. I met a woman I like but she's giving me mixed signals. What should I do? So you aren't alone.

This may sound overly simplistic but I think it's true: if love is meant to happen it will. Who knows why she is acting the way she is? But you shouldn't try to figure it out. She may not even understand herself all the reasons for what's happening. Concentrate on yourself instead. Continue to live your life to the fullest and maybe get involved in something new to get your mind off her. You might also want to consider why you would be attracted to someone who isn't ready to commit to you. These things tend to happen for a reason. Perhaps a part of you is actually not quite ready yet? This is just something to ponder.

Good luck.

And another woman who won't commit...

Dear WWWFM,

9 months perfect; phone calls everyday, weekends together. Tenth month phone calls shorter, time spent together less quality, talking, talking too much about work. Stress with work, daughter, father, and investment in a friend's business. Daughter is going to college out of town. Only child that is staying out more and more, later and later, trying to stay at friend’s house who her mother doesn't like.

Now she wants space and time apart so she can adjust to her daughter leaving for college soon. She says she feels disconnected and now we do not see each other and phone only rarely. What am I to do? Oh, and she brings up snoring, and we are becoming too much like a couple and told me about a 7 year relationship with a man that went bad and thinks we will turn out the same. How do I stay in touch and develop the connection again?

Dear Michael,

I'm sorry things seemed to be going so well and then stopped. That is very frustrating when you can't figure out what changed. It's hard to know exactly what's going on with another human being.

On the surface there are plenty of things stressing her out, but she might also have been triggered by something that reminded her, either consciously or unconsciously, about her last failed relationship. And that sent her packing emotionally. You can try to talk to her, invite her to share everything she's thinking and feeling. Get together in a private space where you won't be interrupted and tell her how you feel about her, what she means to you, what you would like to see happen, and ask her to be totally honest about what's going on with her. Her withdrawal may or may not have to do with you. All you can do is open the door for her to communicate to you.

If you continue to make yourself available to her, indicate your willingness to work on issues that she thinks are problems (like the snoring issue), and clearly articulate your feelings for her, and she is still reluctant to spend time together, then there's not much else you can do. You can try suggesting that the two of you go see a professional counselor together. She obviously has unresolved stuff from the past that needs attention (and you might too) so this definitely can't hurt and it might be a great help.

A relationship is a two-way street (what a tired cliché but it still works) and if she won't meet you half way, her actions are telling you that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She says she needs some time to deal with what's going on. She may really mean this, or it may just be a way of avoiding breaking up with you. (Some people hate confrontations so much they drag out the end of a relationship instead of making a clean break and setting the other person free. I don't know if this is what she's doing but it's a possibility.)

You have to decide how long you're willing to wait for her, if at all. If it feels comfortable to do it, you can offer your support and encouragement when she wants it, you know, leave the door open for awhile. But don't wait around forever. You deserve to be with someone who is ready to be with you right now, not some unspecified time in the future.

It's every bit as frustrating for men when women won't commit...