Why Women Reject Nice Guys

Women Reject All The Nice Guys Syndrome

Dear WWWFM,

How does a man attract a woman? Every date I go on I get rejected by the same old line,"You're such a nice guy."Well if I am so nice, why are you rejecting me? How does a man build attraction from a lady's point of view? How does a man display confidence?

From my point of view women say they want a good man but reject good men and instead go to bed with "Bad Boys," have babies with them, and then complain men are bad. But the same woman rejected 12 wonderful men.

OK Ladies, please explain, and more importantly, how can a "Nice Guy" attract, get the attention of, and win over the love of a good woman?

Dear Robert,

In order for a relationship to be successful in the long run, a man (and the woman too) has to be "nice" i.e. sensitive, helpful, emotionally open, a good listener, etc. But if a woman is looking for a one night stand or is just interested in casual dating, then she may very well be more attracted to men who you perceive to be "bad." Why is this? Because those so-called "bad boys" tend to exude confidence and masculinity, even though they might not necessarily be that good looking. Confidence and masculinity is very sexy and attractive. And what exactly do I mean by masculinity?

Masculinity has to do, not only with physical attractiveness, but also refers to a man's success in his career, how sexually aggressive he is, his emotions (or lack thereof), how smart he is, if he takes the lead and is independent, and various other things.

But generally speaking, women are interested in men who are BOTH masculine and sensitive. Can't a man have both qualities? Why do they have to be mutually exclusive?

Here's what might be happening with you and other guys who complain and whine that women reject them and choose jerks instead. There is such a thing as being too nice. Do you go overboard trying to please a woman and do and say everything you think she wants? Women want a man who will listen to them and care about their feelings. But they also want a man who is not a wimp, who comes across as unsure of himself, who is self-deprecating, who apologizes on the first date for all his flaws, who is clingy or desperate, and who is not a pushover.

I briefly dated a guy who told me about his relationship with his previous girlfriend and he gave me a huge laundry list of all the nice things he had done for her: he painted the house she had just bought, retiled her bathroom, fixed various and sundry things all over the house, helped her remodel her new store, cleaned up after her dog, was supportive when her teenagers misbehaved, didn't complain that she kept photos of her dead husband all over her bedroom, and more. He would come to her house after he was done with his job and work all evening, night after night, for free. And she was a wealthy woman who could easily have afforded to hire people to do all of her remodeling. Whoa! I thought…here's a guy who thinks he has to do all this stuff either to win her over or keep her.

He was indeed a very "nice guy" but after a few dates I sensed a desperation in him that turned me off so I let him go. Was it because he was nice? No! It was because I knew there were screwy reasons why he was being nice. His niceness was coming from a feeling of neediness and wanting to be accepted. That's just how it felt to me. It didn't feel healthy and natural, like he wasn't giving purely for the joy of it, but because he thought doing all this stuff was the only way he could get a woman to love him.

I'm not saying this is true for every nice guy out there, or that a man shouldn't do thoughtful things for a woman, but I'm suggesting that there's a reason why a guy would be rejected over and over and it can't be blamed on the women. If you've been rejected many times for the same reason, you have to look at YOU and what you're doing and not doing. The one common element with all the rejections is YOU. (I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just pointing out a fact.)

Don't be a doormat. Stand up for yourself, have your own opinions, have confidence in the man you are, in what you do for a living, in your sexuality, in your ability to be a good lover, in your appearance, etc., in addition to having the attributes of a "nice" guy. And if you aren't confident in some or all of these areas, work on them until you are.

Here's another angle. What about the woman who rejected 12 good men? If that really happened, would you want to be with her? If they really were good guys and she rejected them, then she has serious issues and you wouldn't want to be with her anyway. So I guess all of us have to take a look at ourselves.

I suggest you take a really long, good look at yourself and ask yourself if you might be acting in ways that turn women off. If you have any female friends, ask for their opinion. If it wouldn't be too humiliating, ask one of the women who turned you down. This would take a lot of guts but you might learn a lot about yourself and get some very valuable information. But understand that you won't get anywhere just by blaming women. Yes, sometimes they do pick jerks. But so do men pick women who aren't good for them.