My Wife Doesn't
Love Me Anymore...

What happens when your wife says she doesn't love you anymore...

Dear WWWFM,

I have been married for almost 8 years and we have 2 children who will be 3 and 5 this summer. My wife told me a month ago that she wanted to leave and that she doesn't love me anymore. She used to do everything for me and was a great partner. I was never able to open my heart and show my feelings for her. She felt because of my attitude that I did not care. I have taken care of her and given her everything she wanted.

Unfortunately, these were material objects and she says she needs more than that. I cannot blame her for feeling the way she does. After reading this site it would seem as though I failed her in almost every way possible. I feel because I didn’t know what it takes to keep her happy because of my inexperience that I may lose her.

We have had a problem communicating. I have to take responsibility for the way I was unable to open my heart to her and now I have hurt her deeply.

I ask her to give me another chance and she says that she doesn’t know. What can I do to gain her trust back and to help her heal? I truly want her to forgive me and start our lives all over again.

We attended one counseling session which she says made her feel uncomfortable. We are scheduled for another appointment in a few days but I think she does not want to go. It seems as if she wants to work things out but it’s difficult for her to forgive me.

Please give me some advice on how I can help her heal. She seems so emotionless unless our children make her smile. I think she is close to giving up but she also deep down wants to make it work. I love her and want to make her happy. I made mistakes and want to make sure we don’t make another mistake by breaking up. Please help us. Help me help her.

Dear Garnnet,

I’m so sorry you are going through this tough time. It’s fairly common for men to “wake up” only when their wives are ready to bolt out the door but at least you now see some areas in your marriage where your wife needed an emotional connection with you. I think you still have a chance with her, although I can understand her feelings too. She has been doing all the emotional work for both of you and has nothing left to give. That’s why she says she doesn’t love you anymore. When a woman feels ignored long enough, eventually her feelings will wither. Earning her love back is a tall order but a last ditch attempt to save the marriage is worth it, especially since you have children.

I urge you both to continue with the counseling. Ask her if she’s willing to commit to 12 sessions with a counselor before she gives up. See if you can find a therapist in your area who specializes in something called “Imago” which is a specific approach to marriage counseling. Look up www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com. If you don’t live near an Imago therapist, make sure you find someone who will help you and your wife learn how to communicate better. Communication skills are essential for couples and becoming better at it is the first step toward a better relationship. Then you can tackle the specific issues.

If she agrees to stick it out with you awhile longer, then make the most of that time. The Imago therapist will have exercises that you both will do, but if you don’t find an Imago therapist, then go get the book Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and the workbook that goes with it. This might be the best investment you ever made because it explains why you two were attracted to each other, why you’re experiencing difficulty, and exactly what you need to do to help each other and improve the relationship. Buy this book immediately and read it through right away.

You say you want to help her heal but you need to as well. You both have unhealed wounds from childhood that are now coming into play, (this is mostly unconscious but obvious once you do some digging) and this is a great opportunity to get at the root of the problems and understand each other in a new light. It takes courage to wade through all the muck of unresolved childhood stuff, but this is absolutely essential if you want to have real intimacy with your wife.

Are you truly willing to take a good, long look at yourself and face the not-so-nice aspects of yourself? It’s easy to say words like, “I want to work things out,” but actually working things out involves self-examination, something many people, especially men, prefer not to do. Many people prefer to blame relationship problems on their mate, so they get rid of them and find someone new.

But, surprise, surprise!

The new relationship eventually has the same problems as the last one because no real work on the self was done after it ended. Make sure you’re willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Then tell her you are going to do your best to understand yourself better so you can meet her needs.

I hope she’s willing to give you one more chance, but don’t take too much time to find the right therapist and/or read the books I suggest. I have a feeling she’s a hairbreadth away from walking so do whatever you have to do to get her to commit to the counseling, and then get busy.

One last thought: write her a letter. Tell her how much you love her and why. Apologize for not giving her what she needed and promise her you’re taking action to change. Acknowledge all the ways you failed her, all the times you could have provided emotional support or romance and failed to do so. Writing a sincere, detailed letter may buy you some time but it’s only the beginning of the work you have ahead of you.

I wish you all the best.

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