My Wife Wants Out...What to do when your wife says she wants out... Dear WWWFM, I could use your advice. I have been married for 11 years and have two kids. My wife is not happy with me and says she wants out. Two years ago I bought a business and had to close it recently. In addition, that has put a lot of financial burden on us. Also just before I bought the business I had a back injury, two split disks. I have been undergoing several treatments and am still waiting on more, and have been on painkillers for two years. I live with a lot of pain and those are the only things that help me move or to do my work. But that’s not just why she wants to leave. My oldest child is five and the other is two. Before the kids were born, I was always working as a mechanic and on the side. My weekends were short with work and trying to make money. She is a schoolteacher and money has been an important issue and still is especially today. She tells me that I do not do anything for her and do not help around the house or with the kids. She says she is the only responsible one in the house and I am just not open to her (a real man). I admit that I am very closed off and will not open up for fear that whatever I might say about what I feel will get used or thrown back at me. As a kid growing up, I was not taught to express my feelings and that they were a waste of time and for girls. I found this out after we had closed the business and I was depressed and at a very low spot in my life, the lowest that I have ever been. We were arguing about the money and other things and I confessed my feelings and she just said “So I don’t care, see how it feels.” I can also say that I am not the greatest person at receiving feelings from my wife. I went to see my Dr. and he gave me anti-depressants, and I have been feeling a lot better. I am trying to take an active role in the house and every time I try to do something she wants to know, “What are you doing,” “Why now and not five years ago,” and “Why are you kissing my butt?” When I hear that, I end up shutting down and not talking to anyone except the kids. I want to stay married. I am trying to do my part in the house, and I do not think it is well received. In addition, here is the other part. My mother-in-law lives with me and she is the babysitter when we are at work and she works nights. She does house chores when we are at work, not because she has to but I guess because she wants to. I have tried to do things and when my wife asks what are you doing and I stop doing what I am doing, I hear my mother-in-law say, “I will do that” or “I will finish doing that.” I started it and I want to finish it but after that, what’s the use? My wife spends more time talking to her than to me. I try to talk to her but she does not want to continue. I am sorry if this is confusing. I’m not great at writing and all of this hit me at once. If you can help, I would appreciate it. Sincerely, Jimmy Dear Jimmy- Thanks for writing. I am not a marriage counselor but I will give you my lay person’s opinion as a woman and a former wife. You touch on many painful topics and I feel for you. There are no quick fixes for your situation and you may want to seek help from a professional therapist to wade through everything, but in the meantime, here are some things you can think about and do. It’s obvious from your letter that neither you nor your wife is doing a good job communicating with one another. There’s complaining, nagging, maybe some yelling, sulking, withholding, arguing, etc. but no actual, Let’s sit down and really talk about what I want, what you want, and what our goals as a couple and family are. Deeper issues are going on that need to be explored, but if the two of you started communicating properly, you would be amazed at how much better you both would feel. Why do I think this is so important? Because I can tell by many of your comments that neither of you feels understood and neither of you is really listening to the other. Listening is much more involved than most of us were taught as children and most adults have to train themselves to do it right or their relationships will be difficult. Run as fast as you can and buy the book "Couple Skills - Making Your Relationship Work." Even if your wife is not willing to read the book, you should still read it and practice it on your own. Even one person changing the way he operates would change the dynamic of the relationship, provided you are serious about it and consistent with your new and improved communication skills. Once you two are able to express yourselves to each other, and feel heard and understood, then you can start working through the nitty gritty problems, like who does the dishes, who balances the checkbook, what are we going to do about money, etc. You say you want your marriage to work, but it’s going to take a lot of really hard work. Are you willing to back up your words with action? You admit you are closed off emotionally, and opening yourself back up will be one of the things on your to-do list. This kind of emotional work is really tough for men, but if you want a great relationship with your wife, you must try. Another book could help you with that. "Getting The Love You Want" Your letter shows that your wife feels a lot of resentment and anger toward you and may be past the point of wanting to work things out. Try to get her to read these books, or read them yourself and tell her about them. Show her that you’re committed to making some changes. Do what you can to learn about yourself (by reading these books and/or going to counseling). Don’t just throw your hands up and hope that it will somehow work itself out. It won’t unless you take some action. I hope you find this advice useful. It doesn’t tell you how to make more money or what to do with your mother-in-law, but I really think that if two people know HOW to talk about issues, then it’s much easier to solve them. Best of luck to you.
P.S. Check out our page on COMMUNICATION.
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This book explains in detail how to listen, communicate clearly, negotiate, and handle anger. If you are willing to learn how to be a good listener and acknowledge your wife’s feelings, and if she is willing too, you would be well on your way to a much happier marriage. But you need help to learn this new skill and you can start by getting this book. A marriage therapist would also help you learn about how to listen, how to fight fair, etc.
