I've Been Lying to my Girlfriend

What to do about lying to a girlfriend...

Dear WWWFM,

I have been with this girl for almost a year. I love her with all of my heart, but I have lied to her a lot.

The biggest problem we have is that I am attracted to her sister as well, and I had been lying about it the whole time. I really love her, and I want to be able to regain her trust and make things work with her, but she can't forget all the ways that I have hurt her. I need advice badly. Thanks.

Dear Nickolas,

Are you still attracted to her sister? Are you still lying to your girlfriend? You don’t say how you resolved this part of your problem. But, okay. Assuming you came to your senses and no longer feel attracted to the sister, all you can really do is let time pass and be as attentive to your girlfriend as you can. You can’t expect her to just forgive and forget overnight. You were unfaithful, in a way, and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t act on your desires with her sister. The fact that you thought about her and maybe fantasized is a form of emotional infidelity and is very hurtful to the one you love.

Did you fully acknowledge your mistake to her? If you just glossed over it and tried to defend yourself then you didn’t come across as very sincere. Have you read our page on how to say you're sorry?

This gives you a general idea of how to properly apologize, but making up for cheating on someone is more serious and will take more than just a simple, “I’m sorry.” You may have to say it over and over again. You have to demonstrate your remorse and regret. You have to promise you will never do it again, (but only if you mean it!)

I also suggest doing a little homework to understand the whole situation. Were you unsatisfied with your relationship in any way and that’s why you became interested in someone else? Are you secretly afraid of a serious relationship with her and you created this situation to avoid committing to her? If you have any insights about this and feel differently now that you’re on the verge of losing her, you might want to share some of your thoughts with her. Women appreciate it when men show emotional sensitivity and growth.

You can also ask her to really let you have it and just pour out her anger while you sit and listen. Just listen. Don’t defend yourself, explain yourself, get upset by the intensity of her feelings, etc. Then say back to her what she told you to demonstrate that you really get how angry she is. This kind of listening to someone can be very healing. Read our page on communication for more details on this kind of listening.

If you bend over backwards and sincerely work to regain her trust by being as loving, kind, and patient as you can, and she still isn’t able to forgive you, then let her go and learn what you can from the situation. Consider it a tough life lesson but one where you did your best to redeem yourself.

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