Find True Love

Dear WWWFM,

I would like to find my true love.

Dear William,

If I knew the exact process for finding true love, I would be a billionaire. You and about 458,990,375 other people hope to find their soulmate, the relationship that will last forever. And it's a noble goal. It is something so sacred and beautiful, at times fragile, and the most worthy of pursuits. When you are in relationship and deeply involved with your beloved, you are doing God's work. Now, I know that might make me sound like I'm some kind of religious zealot, but I do believe that getting as close to another person as is humanly possible (which, by the way, is not necessarily an easy thing to do) is a highly spiritual endeavor.

It's more than just companionship or sex or child rearing or all the other things that true love might entail. It's also a journey of self discovery. Being with one person day in and day out makes it hard to hide our flaws. Being with the one you love can bring out both the best and the worst in you. The trick is not to run away screaming when the worst in either of you comes rushing out like Niagara Falls in the spring. This is no easy task. But in those moments when everything clicks? Pure magic…

As for the actual how and where to find true love? There are two elements to this:

Being ready for love
Putting yourself in situations where your love can find you

How do you know you're ready for love? If you feel desperate, are depressed, angry, still upset about a past break-up, or bored with your life, or are looking primarily for what you can get rather than what you can give, you are probably not ideally situated to find love. If you enjoy your life as it is now, have interests and passions that stimulate you, are relatively emotionally mature, and know yourself well, you have a better chance of finding someone special. We all need to do our emotional homework in order to be ready.

The next step is to seek out opportunities where you will meet lots of different people. I notice that in the movies, love often plops itself into a character's lap and they didn't have to do anything to find the person, like their new next-door neighbor that just moved in happened to be their soul mate. It would be great if it were this easy but it doesn't work that way for most of us. You have to circulate, play the numbers game. The more women you meet, the more likely and the more quickly you are to find your true love. This doesn't sound very romantic, I know, but it is commonsense.

Let's imagine that you find someone and fall in love. It's fabulous in the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon period as they say, but inevitably the dynamic changes, life intervenes, and people relax into their real selves, warts and all.

At this juncture people often wonder if they made the right decision. Or they are shocked to discover that their partner seems to be a different person than the one they married. Be prepared for the ups and downs of a lifelong relationship. Understand right from the beginning that you will have conflict, that your partner will point out things that you'd rather she didn't, that you will push each other's buttons, that you will argue, even fight sometimes. Go into it with your eyes open, understanding that it's more than just about being in love.

Learn how to communicate properly, which most people don't know how to do because our parents didn't teach us, so you can effectively deal with problems instead of just screaming at or ignoring each other. People find true love all the time but then let it die because they aren't willing to do the hard work necessary to overcome relationship hurdles. They divorce instead, blaming their partner for everything that went wrong, and go off to find another true love.

My main point here is, do what you must to preserve your love,once you've found it. As I mentioned, it is hard work, but ultimately extremely rewarding. There's nothing better than mature love, love that stands the test of time because both partners pay attention to it equally and daily. When love is a priority and you recognize the treasure that is your partner, it will flourish and grow stronger and better. But open communication and honesty are the keys.

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