Engaged to Someone Else...
But I'm in Love With Her

What to do if the one you love is engaged to someone else...

Dear WWWFM,

I have fallen in love with a girl at work and I have had emotional feelings for her for months now. I have only recently found out that she is in a relationship with somebody else at work and she is going to marry him next year. This is made worse for me, because I see her around work, and sometimes have to deal/talk with her professionally.

I have already bought her a present, as a token of my affection for her, a few weeks ago now, but I haven't given her it yet. The question is: Should I tell her how I feel about her (even though nothing can come of it) and/or should I give her my 'token' present, or should I try to forget about her and carry on like normal at work (which is making me really miserable? )

The difficult thing is that she keeps saying 'Hello' to me and she smiles at me whenever we bump in to each other at work. Her intended doesn't seem to be very happy and he appears to be very protective of her, even though she's going to marry him. So, I don't know whether she is just being normal 'friendly' towards me, or whether she has twigged that I like her, or what? I can't understand what message she is trying to get over to me.

What advice do you have and what do you think she is trying to convey to me?Perhaps she is just trying to be 'friends' with me and I am being stupid for liking her in the way that I do, especially given the hopelessness of the situation?

Stuart

Dear Stuart,

I want you to think about something here…you’ve had feelings for this woman for quite some time and only just now discovered that she is engaged. What you need to think about is why you waited so long to do something about your feelings.

There is something going on with YOU that you need to focus on, rather than wondering what she thinks of you, if she likes you, what she is trying to convey to you, how her fiancé treats her, etc. Is it possible that deep down you may be afraid of a relationship? Because it seems like you would have taken some kind of action sooner, and now that it’s too late (yes, I’m afraid it’s too late) you spend your time pining away for her even more.

May I suggest that you acknowledge to yourself that you were, for whatever reason, not willing to do something about your feelings for her? Then, you can start to question why you allowed yourself to arrive at this unfortunate juncture. It is no accident that you are attracted to a woman who is unavailable.

Is it possible you are unhappy with your job? Is it possible that you don’t have enough going on in your life and need to find something you are passionate about, a hobby perhaps? Or are you very shy? Do a little digging into yourself. Be honest with yourself. Make lemonade out of this lemon, to use an old expression. Take this as an opportunity to do a little self-examination and see if you can’t come out of it stronger and more aware of your unconscious reasons for manifesting this situation in your life.

As for the gift – to give or not to give. My first instinct is to say no. You may put her in an uncomfortable position, having to receive (or refuse) a gift from a man other than her fiancé who has romantic feelings for her. Why put her in that position? Just wish her well (in your mind) and go your way.

A quick note about women and friendliness: just because a woman smiles at you or is friendly does not necessarily mean she is interested in you. She may be, but men tend to mistake innocent friendliness for something more. Sometimes women have to be careful because men mistake their friendliness for flirting!

Good luck and may the love gods smile upon you the next time around!

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