Where are those emotions? We know they must be there somewhere.

Women are experts at sharing their feelings and men are known for keeping theirs in check. Boys grow up learning that they are supposed to be tough and independent. All this toughness and squelching of feelings is too bad because men never learn how to be vulnerable.

Women want to get close to men but it’s hard if a man is so tightly sealed that nothing can open him up short of dynamite. An intimate relationship, by definition, involves sharing of feelings and emotional honesty, so if a man can’t be anything except in control at all times, (or aggressively angry) then he isn’t going to have the best possible relationship and his wife or girlfriend isn’t going to be very happy.

More on men and anger....

There is such a thing as emotional intelligence and it’s a relatively new area of psychological research. Basically it's the ability to figure out, acknowledge, and deal with your own and other people's emotions. Studies have shown that this kind of ability is much more important than high IQ in determining professional success. So there are multiple payoffs to being in touch with your feelings.

So what’s an emotionally-strapped man to do? It’s hard to change a lifetime of not expressing your feelings, but not impossible. There’s one book I know of that can help.

Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg, has a chapter entitled, “Expressing Feelings and Scripting Needs,” that describes a concrete way to learn about feelings and emotions.

In a nutshell, the authors explain how to identify your feelings by keeping a “feelings” diary for a week where you write down situations and exactly how they made you feel. They include a list of 123 different feelings you can refer to if you don’t know how to describe how something made you feel. Then they explain how to express your feelings to your partner in a calm manner, and ask for whatever it is you want.

Another good book for men is Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing his Feelings by David Kundtz.

Like anything in life, it takes time, practice, and patience to learn something new, but if both partners are willing to work on it together, it can be done. Not only will learning how to show your emotions help you have a more fulfilling relationship with your woman, it will help you live a richer life overall.

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