Divorced with Kids and Dating Again

Dear WWWFM,

I have been dating this woman for a little over four months. I am 36, divorced, and have four kids. She is 41, divorced, with no kids and has had a long relationship (17 years) before we met where she was treated very poorly.

I am in love with this woman. She has a great heart, I love to talk to her, and we have a great time when we are together. The issue I have is that she seems to want to keep me at arm’s length. We live about an hour away from each other and tend not to see each other during the week, but see each other on the weekends I don't have the kids. I understand that but it seems like I keep making time for her and she doesn't want to take advantage of that time by getting together. She has dreams of having her own baby one day and I have told her that I would be willing to have another if we got to the point where we were married. I have tried to support her with all of her dreams and help her out wherever I can. She just doesn't seem to be reciprocating.

I made up my mind at the start of this that I was going to be as honest with her as I could be and at times she really seems to open up to me as well. When we are together, it seems like everything is great, but when we are not it seems like she starts to hold back. We talk on the phone pretty much every day.

With all this it still seems like she is holding back. I want to be with her every day, but she seems content with one day every other week. I find myself trying to read into what she is thinking and feeling and it is sending me on a roller coaster of emotions. I try to get her to just flat out tell me her feelings, but she always seems to talk generically. She says she really cares about me, but just won't make that leap of faith.

Can you give me any insight? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Dear Jamie-

I admire your goal to be open and honest with this woman from the get-go. It's too bad she doesn't seem to be willing to do the same.

You have a multi-dimensional challenge going on here:

You are essentially in a long-distance relationship where you only see each other on weekends. LD relationships have their own special challenges.

You have children and they are a major part of your life. You and your kids are a package deal but she doesn't want to spend time with all of you together.

She sounds like she may have only lukewarm feelings for you.

Let's look at them one by one.

In a LD relationship, you don't get to know the real person because you are still on your best behavior. Since you know you only have a limited time together, no one wants to rock the boat by expressing any negative feelings that might pop up in the normal course of things, or by dealing with mundane chores. One or two days every other week of doing fun stuff is not enough time to determine just how compatible you are. At some point you will have spend significant time together, both with and without your children, doing normal things as well as fun things so you can see what the other is like under stress, when angry, when ill, etc., which will give you a clearer picture of the whole person.

You took the big step of allowing your children to meet your girlfriend but "she is not comfortable yet hanging out with me and my kids." Why not? Like I said, you are a package deal and she should be getting to know all of you at the same time. Her reluctance doesn't sound quite right to me, especially if you've already determined that you are in a "serious" relationship, which you apparently have. Ask her why she doesn't want to be with your kids. Does she want you all to yourself? That's understandable to a certain extent, but she has to be willing to accommodate you since your free time often includes the presence of your children.

I've often wished I could have a crystal ball to figure out what someone else is feeling and thinking. But all anyone can do to understand another human being is to ask questions, be a good listener, and observe their actions. You can't read her mind and you shouldn't try to. If you've genuinely tried to engage her in discussions about how the two of you feel about each other and what you both want and she just clams up, then you have no choice but to gauge the situation by the information you do have. From what you've described, her words are noncommittal and generic, and her actions, or rather inaction, (not trying to be with you very often) indicate she isn't all that interested. You shouldn't have to mine and drill someone to get them to share their feelings. I would set some sort of limit for yourself of how much time you want to give the relationship a chance to succeed. Six months maybe. A year at most. You don't have to tell her about it. It's more for you to decide right now that you're not going to let too much time pass without some firm and clear signals (actions and words!) from her that she feels the same for you as you for her.

I believe that if two people are meant to be together, then it will happen. Have faith that if she is the one for you, she will come through. And if she doesn't then someone else will appear.

Best of luck to you!

P.S. May I suggest that if she does decide she wants to marry you, consider getting professional counseling with someone who specializes in step families. Blending families is a very tricky thing and having some tools to deal with the inevitable adjustment issues may make all the difference in the world.

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