How NOT to Communicate With HerLearning how to communicate with her... Scenario #1: Husband (or boyfriend) says, “Guess what, Honey? I just a bought a new car! Isn’t that great!” Problem: This may apply more to married couples, but when making a big purchase like a car, both partners need to at least consult with the other beforehand. This isn’t asking for permission. But you’re part of a team and should be in agreement about basic finance issues. Better approach: Hey Honey, I want to get a new car. What’s your opinion?
Problem: Something is bothering her and you’re not giving her an opportunity to tell you what it is. Better approach: If she wants to talk about something, don’t put her off or ignore her request. If something is bugging her, you need to talk about it as soon as possible. It’s okay if you’re in the middle of something and can’t talk, as long as you decide exactly when you will have time to talk. Get out your appointment books if necessary. Scenario #3: She says, “Whew! What a day I’ve had! My boss rode me all morning about this project I’m working on and I didn’t even have time to get lunch.” You say, “You should quit that job. You should tell your boss xyz, you should…” Problem: One of the biggest barriers to listening is giving advice. Men are famous for trying to solve a problem when all women want is to talk/vent/complain and just be listened to. Better approach: When a woman talks about something that’s bothering her, unless she specifically asks for your advice, bite your tongue and just listen! Who knew that learning to communicate better meant shutting up!? Scenario #4: She says: “Wouldn’t it be fun to ________ (fill in the blank with whatever fantasy she’s dreaming about.)” He says, “That’s dumb. That’s too expensive. That’s impractical. That’s impossible. That’s stupid. I don’t want to do that…” Problem: Just because you disagree with something she’s imagining, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to argue and debate about it. Better approach: Let her talk about her dream, whether it makes sense to you or not. You might learn something about her. Learning to communicate better means being genuinely interested in what your significant other has to say. Scenario #5: She is upset and crying about something that happened. You say, “Aw, don’t cry. It’s not that big of a deal. Where’s that smile? etc.” Problem: You’re not listening to her if you say these things. And you are definitely not acknowledging her feelings. Better approach: Seeing her cry may make you uncomfortable but again, just listen to her, and maybe ask some questions to help her explore her feelings. Scenario #6: You are eating dinner together. She is telling you a sad story about a coworker. You are saying "Uh huh" and watching the news on TV. Problem: You’re not paying attention to her.
Better approach: Look at her when she’s talking to you. Turn off the TV. Listen to her. She deserves your full attention. Learning to communicate better means being fully present.
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