A Bipolar Wife

In the middle of that year, she became suicidal. I got her to see a psychiatrist, who put her on antidepressants, which made her psychotic. She was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medications to treat that disorder. She was also diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis and put on opiate pain killers, both a long acting version and percoset for break through pain.

Fast forward to today, she is now working again as a scientific writer for a world famous scientist but is very depressed. She spends money impulsively, and I have spent over 50k paying off her credit card debt over the last 5 years. She has also gained about 50 lbs. She also chain smokes cigarettes now, despite being asthmatic.

I have started researching how men and women think and communicate differently in an attempt to figure out how to communicate with her about what I can do to help get her to be happy again.

I consider myself an excellent listener. I am great with money, and I have very well developed self discipline. I don't think there is a person who has a better chance than I do of helping her become happy.

But she lies to me about her spending, smoking, and what she thinks about what she wants. It is like I am raising a teenager.

Do you have any suggestions for me?

Dear John,

I’m very sorry for all your troubles. My heart goes out to you, especially because I was involved with a bipolar man some years ago and know how devastating manic depression can be not only for the one who has it but for family as well.

I’m not a psychiatrist so I will just advise you based on my experience and a little bit of research I did online.

First of all, is she still taking her drugs for bipolar disorder? She needs to be taking them faithfully, but it can be tricky to find the right one or the right combination without having to deal with terrible side-effects, which is hard to do. It’s also hard because sometimes when bipolars are in a manic state, they think they don’t need to take their meds, so you have to monitor that. She should also be doing talk therapy regularly if she isn’t already.

Even if she is taking her meds and talks to her shrink every week, it won’t necessarily mean she will live a normal life. You could be the best communicator in the world and it won’t make a difference. You mentioned that you think you are the most highly qualified person to help her “be happy” but you are dealing with something that even a professional would have a very tough time with. I don’t want you to think that if you can’t make her happy that you have failed somehow because this would not be true at all.

Here is what the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance says: "As a friend or family member of someone who is coping with bipolar disorder or depression, your support is an important part of working toward wellness. Don’t give up hope. Treatment for mood disorders does work, and the majority of people with mood disorders can return to stable and productive lives. Keep working with your loved one and his or her health care providers to find treatments that work, and keep reminding your loved one that you are there for support."

That being said, it was my experience that no matter what I did for my bipolar boyfriend, he was bent on self-destruction. I did my best to be supportive but our relationship was the toughest thing I ever experienced and my life was a living hell throughout. Why was I with him in the first place? Because I fell in love with his potential, and I saw glimpses of a wonderful man that I wanted to be close to. Unfortunately, that sensitive, giving, loving side of him was only in evidence about 10% of the time. The rest of the time, he was depressed, suicidal, manipulative, rude, unreliable, careless with money, and paranoid.

If you’ve already done everything you can in terms of making sure she is getting the professional help and medications she needs and she still can’t get it together, you may have to ask yourself if you’re willing to sacrifice your own life to “helping” her. I know this may sound callous, but there is only so much one can do to help a bipolar without one’s own life being extremely negatively impacted. You are putting a huge burden on yourself by thinking you have the power to make her happy. This is unrealistic and I’d like to see you let go of it. (No one can really make another person happy anyway, whether they have a mental illness or not.)

If you love your wife to the extent that you are willing to put up with her behavior for the rest of your life, then God bless you. But if you want to live a normal life with a “happy woman,” I’m afraid you will have to consider leaving her. Some people would probably disagree with this advice but I’m just not sure it’s worth sacrificing your whole life for someone else when you can’t really help them much anyway. Bipolar disorder is a tragic, terrible disease that ruins lives and I’m so sorry your wife is suffering from it, and you by extension. But why should you have to suffer alongside her if she can’t change? She is, apparently, able to support herself financially so you wouldn’t be leaving her destitute.

I applaud you for wanting to learn more about how best to communicate with her, but this situation is way beyond you being sensitive to what women want. She has special needs and being a loving husband, sadly, is probably not enough to heal her. Of course it’s a wrenching decision to break those marriage vows of “in sickness and in health,” but I truly don’t see the point in one person giving up a chance at a happy relationship for the sake of the marriage.

I wish I could give you more hopeful advice, but I believe it’s also important to take care of oneself. It’s also worth thinking about the unconscious reasons you manifested this kind of relationship. People who are attracted to needy types like to feel strong, in control, and enjoy being the one who “has it all together.” Check into your past and see if this is mirroring something that came before, some unfinished business from your childhood, like a parent or sibling that needed rescuing all the time. Every situation in life has roots somewhere and if you want to learn something about yourself, you’ll give some thought to the “benefits” you get from being married to a bipolar wife.