Most people aren’t raised to learn how to deal with their anger. As children, we are often scolded for expressing our upsets and disappointments, told to be quiet, or even punished. Most of us grow up suppressing or denying our anger or, more often with males than females, expressing it aggressively. Nevertheless, as adults we have to take responsibility for our feelings including our anger.

Some people, when they get mad are “in your face,” vocal, and aggressive. Others are very passive and quiet and you never even know they are upset. That is until they’ve kept it under wraps for so long that they finally explode. Neither way of dealing with anger is healthy and if it goes unchecked, will eventually destroy intimacy.

According to the book Couple Skills by McKay, Fanning and Paleg, when we get angry it’s because we’ve chosen to do so. Which means we can’t blame someone else for how we feel and react. This book explains that anger can’t exist without the presence of thoughts that trigger it. Therefore, you can change a feeling of anger by changing the thoughts that support it.

This book goes on to explain how to learn to deal with anger in relationship. The authors suggest keeping track over a one or two week period of things that are stressful and the accompanying thoughts that go with the stressors. The purpose of this is to learn how your anger arises and give you a strategy for short-circuiting the feelings before they get out of control.

Good communication techniques, another thing we rarely learn growing up, are crucial for maintaining a good relationship. When we know how to communicate well with our partner, we know how to acknowledge their feelings and this goes a long way toward diffusing bad feelings. So not only should we recognize that we can control our anger responses, we also need to listen to our partners and acknowledge them when they are upset.

This is all easier said than done of course. But if you get some counseling or read a good book like Couple Skills, you can at least begin to understand the psychology and emotions behind the angry behavior and take steps to change.

So men…it’s okay to get angry. But learn about what’s behind it and learn how to express it assertively rather than aggressively or passively so both you and your partner’s needs get met.

Return from Men and Anger to What Women Want from Men

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